The NT scan was yesterday. In the words of the doctor, “sonographically, everything looks fine.” The results of the scan analysis, combined with the blood work, should come back by the end of this week. The baby looked good, moving around a lot, giving all sorts of trouble to the doctor who tried to take measurements. It is amazing what a difference six weeks make—a little bean then and a lot more like a real person now.
I know this is ridiculous and pathetic and why the hell can’t I just be positive, but every time I see the image of the baby on that grainy grey screen, I am surprised to see a heartbeat. I know I am not unique in feeling this way—many bloggers who are pregnant after IF or pregnancy loss talk about this feeling of detachment and always expecting the worst. But it bothers me because, well, I feel like I don’t really have much feelings for this baby. I feel horrible saying this because I wanted a baby so badly and I really want this pregnancy to work out. But here I am, with a beautiful, growing person in my belly—and I am not in love with it.
After yesterday’s scan and because the end of the first trimester is near, I was thinking that it is time to come out to friends and colleagues about the pregnancy (although I am sure my protruding gut has caused at least some speculation). Different announcements kept running through my mind.
We are having a baby...
Child is going to be a big brother...
We are having our second one...
And that’s where my mind stopped dead in its tracks. Our second one? No, this is our third. (or fourth, although I don’t think much about that very short-lived chemical years ago…). And I think for the first time, I realized that my overall lack of excitement about this pregnancy is not only for self-preservation. It is also because deep down I feel guilty for being happy about this new life while I am still grieving the loss of another life. It seems unfair to that baby, the baby we lost, the baby that could have been.
How do I let go of that guilt? How do I start living in the now—and not then?
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6 comments:
whew, that's tough. first of all, congrats on the "sonographically" good news.
second, yes, i think we do all feel some degree of the detachment and expecting the worst. to me it is just normal, it is the only way i know pregnancy, but it must feel a bit off compared to how you felt with Child.
third, i hope that in time you make peace with what you no doubt know intellectually, even if it doesn't feel right emotional: that loving this baby and being excited about it's life in no way diminishes the one(s) who were lost. perhaps you can find a way to feel that you honor all children, all life for that matter, in your appreciation for this one? (not that i have any idea how one does that.)
and lastly, i hope you will find that sharing your news allows you to get a little more in touch with your happiness about this pregnancy. i begrudgingly admit it, but i think that has been the case for me.
I can only imagine the pain of loss that you have experienced and it is bound to affect how you feel now. Congratulations on the sonogram. I guess there's a reason people say "take it one day at a time." Hope you have a restful weekend!
Its all so normal, after everything thats happened, of course you'll be detached, its self-preservation kicking in. You're scared something goes wrong and even though you're holding your feelings back, you DO already love that baby, and when they put it in your arms for the first time, I'm sure you'll know that too. Congrats on the great US results!!
This post could have been written by me! I went to my doctor (she was gone so I saw a resident) and my counselor yesterday and admitted to both that I was more scare than excited about this pregnancy. I think that is so hard for anyone who has not been there to understand.
I am glad that your current pregnancy is going well. It sounds like you have an awesome midwife who will help you work out your fears along the way.
Rachel =)
So happy to hear that things are looking good!
I wish I had answers for you. You will connect, it will get easier, the guilt will subside. It has to. But I don't know when. Perhaps you will wake up one day and it will all be there. I hope that happens soon.
Good news! I think too, it gets easier as time goes on. It's still relatively new, its a lot for a woman to process. You'll get there.
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