Wednesday, October 15, 2008

October 15

Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is also the day that two years ago we conceived the baby that we never got to meet. I remember that day—Husband came back from a business trip that afternoon, and I was leaving for a trip the next morning. We had one shot that month, and the fact that it worked—after months and months of ‘unexplained secondary infertility’ failures—made that pregnancy such an amazing miracle. And maybe that’s what made the loss so tough to bear. Only within the last few months I stopped thinking about that baby on a daily basis. Maybe it is the passing of time, maybe it is the new sadness that plagues me these days.

But I will always remember that baby. I will always remember how overwhelmingly happy I was to see that + sign and the afternoon I spent trying to figure out a creative way to tell Husband. I will always remember how devastatingly chilling it was to see no flicker on the gray ultrasound screen.

And while I am not a religious person, I really want to believe in life after death. I want to believe that my dad got to meet this baby and the babies he lost. And that he is there to comfort them and play with them until the rest of us get there, long, long time from now.


Tinker said...

I remember my lost babies too. I had my first m/c at the same time my mom died, and always imagined that she had that little one -- her first grandchild -- with her, to take care of and to care for her wherever she was.

I'm sorry that the sadness of our lost babies carries on, but hope that there truly is the possibility of meeting them when we finally go too.

Sarah said...

this always sounded so cheesy to me before but i truly wish i could send you virtual hugs through the internet. i am so sorry for your losses.

Lindsey said...

I'm sorry about your loss. I'll never forget mine either, however short lived. I think your hopeful belief is a really good one. I like to hope for that, too.