I began writing here to help me sort things out. I am prone to depression—at least I think so, although I have never gone to a professional to talk about this. Let’s say that I am definitely prone to being overwhelmed by life—which then spirals into feelings of loneliness, sadness and helplessness.
When I am down, it helps me to talk things over or write my thoughts down. I didn’t realize just how much this helped me until my miscarriage last year. Getting those thoughts out on a virtual piece of paper was a tremendous relief, and in the end, it helped me understand when I was ready to move on.
At that same time, as I was struggling with my thoughts, I began reading other blogs, finding comfort in the stories of others who have been there and crying with those who were going through even tougher challenges. After lurking for a while, I began feeling compelled to comment on some entries—especially when the writer was going through a difficult time and needed some support. I began commenting anonymously at first, but soon came across a few places where I had to sign in to be able to comment. I knew what this meant—that I was cracking the door to my blog a little bit, potentially inviting someone in. And someone came. And it felt so good.
But with time, a sense of uncertainty settled in. None of the people I know in real life know about this blog. I don’t think I want them to. This is my space, I want to be me, and I am afraid that if someone I know in real life discovers this space, I will have to be careful in what I say. I like this space just the way it is—open, personal, uncensored. But it also feels weird—and perhaps somewhat dishonest—to keep this space a secret, particularly from those closest to me—like Husband, the person I used to tell everything to. Will it come back to bite me in the ass if someone I know eventually stumbles upon it? How do I maintain my anonymity? Or should I just get over it?
Long time ago, I saw a card that struck a chord with me. It showed a fork in the road. An arrow was pointed in each direction. One said, "My life." The other said, "No longer an option." This blog is about my life. The choices I make are my life. Everything else is no longer an option.
Who Am I?
I am Kate. I am married to the Husband of 10 years--a man who totally rocks my world with his mind, his body and his soul. I am a mother to Child--an energetic six-year-old who is so much more outgoing than his parents. I am a professional in the field that I love--but currently in a job that makes me yearn for more.
Expanding our family proved more difficult than we expected. After a diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility, a pregnancy, a devastating miscarriage and then finally a viable pregnancy, we are now a family of four, with the birth of Baby in October 2007.
I have many more questions than answers, and this is my venting space.
Expanding our family proved more difficult than we expected. After a diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility, a pregnancy, a devastating miscarriage and then finally a viable pregnancy, we are now a family of four, with the birth of Baby in October 2007.
I have many more questions than answers, and this is my venting space.
Child is
Baby is
4 comments:
You've already done alot to maintain your anonymity. You don't mention your husband's or your child's name. You only use your first name to sign your posts. And the email address tied to the blog is an anonymous one (I assume) that you set up just for the blog. Short of having some computer whiz mask your IP address, you're already pretty darn anonymous!
Maybe I did not pose the right question. I guess there is not much more I can do to maintain my anonymity. If someone who knows me IRL wants to look for me, I doubt he or she will find me. But there is a chance that someone I know will stumble upon this by following a link from elsewhere. The reason I started thinking about this is because of the recent story-collection effort going on at the IF/pregnancy loss mothership. I have wondered if I should submit anything, specifically the m/c experience thoughts. And I am pretty sure someone I know IRL reads that site. So perhaps a better question is--should I be worried about that? How do you make the decision about when/if to "come out," especially to those closest to you? And how does this decision affect your writing choices?
I think I understand what you are saying. I have let my husband know that I have been blogging about our troubles, but other than that I haven't told anyone. I thought about sharing once, but then it occured to me, my blog is my place to be me. I find that when I talk to friends and family about our ups and downs regarding pregnancy that I put on my brave face and try to be upbeat and positive. Being that way is great, but I am not always that way. I think you should do what you feel comfortable doing. If that means submitting your story great. If you do submit something and someone you know finds you can tell them it is you, or you can deny it. Personally I would probably admit that they were my words and thoughts and request that they respect that I have shared them with those who have had similiar experiences.
it is tough. i finally decided to invite a few real life friends and family to the blog. these are the handful ofpeople who already know about our ART treatments (which took me a few years to tell people about). i eventually decided it was easier to let them follow my journey here, rather than have to deal with all the questions and follow up, how's it going, etc. plus when there is bad news, it is definitely easier for me to express my thoughts here and let them read it, esp when i don't feel like talking about it.
but it does effect what i write. i have been at a very detached point in my IF journey. the feelings no longer feel quite so raw as they once did, so i was less concerned about not being able to bare it all. but i do think twice about what i write. the main thing is when family situations may take a toll, i don't feel like i can write about them.
but the rewards of having the support of my real life friends (for the most part) have been so worth it for me. it's been amazing to include them, to see how eager they are to be educated about the whole process, and to know how much they are rooting for me.
but we all blog for different reasons. mine tends to be less cathartic. i tend to work on my thoughts in my head and not write about them until i come to some kind of resolution (though often the answer is that there is no resolution). sometimes i wish i had more anonymity in my blog so that i could feel a bit freer to work out my feelings. on the boards, i remain totally anonymous, not even using my real name. i think we all just have to follow what feels right.
(sorry for the uber long answer, can you tell i've spent a lot of time thinking about this?)
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