I have been spending a lot of time on the internet lately, mostly browsing blogs. I found quite a few that speak to me—amazing writing, interesting perspectives, heartbreaking or inspiring stories. A lot of my bookmarked links are infertility blogs. Others are parenting blogs. And I find that I fit somewhere in-between, not quite belonging to either camp.
I am a parent, and I relate a lot to the trials and joys of parenting that parent bloggers write about. I also relate a lot to the trials of infertility, but I am a newbie at this. I know the impatient waiting during the 2ww, I know the heartbreak of yet another BFN, I know the obsession over BBT, I even know the horror of a lost pregnancy. But I don’t know what it’s like to have a medicated cycle, I don’t know the devastation of a failed IVF, I don’t even know a lot of the medical terminology used in many IF blogs.
I wholeheartedly hope for the best possible outcome for the individuals whose blogs I am reading (and there were two awesome happy announcements this week that nearly made me cry with joy), but I feel odd commenting because I have not been in their shoes. I don’t want to offend them by pretending that I understand. And I also don’t want to offend them because I already have something they want so much—a child. I feel guilty.
Hoping to find someone who is in a similar place as me, I searched through secondary IF blogs and found a few that I loved. But once again, these women (and men) are much farther on the infertility journey than I am--and once again, I feel guilty for having so little "experience." After the IF diagnosis last summer and the referral to the RE, we decided to wait until the end of the year before doing any additional tests to possibly determine the cause of our so-far-unexplained IF. And then we got pregnant. And then we lost the pregnancy. So what do we do now? Did this pregnancy wipe the slate clean and our IF problems are no more? The pessimist in me tells me to quit dreaming, but optimist has a least a glimmer of hope. But the question remains: How long do we wait now?
Who knows, perhaps a year down the road, we will be all-too-familiar with ART terms. Or we will be filling out adoption papers. Or we will be going through another heartbreaking loss. Or we will be setting up the crib again. For now, I am somewhere in-between.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss, Kate.
I was (or am?) where you are now. I haven't been down the IVF road yet (although that is our next planned step), and I definitely feel fraudulent sometimes when I post comments on other IF blogs - blogs of women/men who have experienced so much more pain and loss and disappointment than I could ever imagine.
But I believe you are a member of the IVF community if you wish to be. There is no one at the gate saying: "Okay, you've had a year of trying without a pregnancy that resulted in a live birth. Check. And at least one miscarriage. Check. Here's your membership card." There is so much support out there, it's humbling.
As for when you should try again - that's up to you. That's what I try to hold on to: when and what I do about this is in my control (even when nothing else is).
Good luck.
And thanks for visiting (and commenting) at my humble little blog!
Thanks so much for your comment, Adrienne. About two days after I wrote this, I read a post on The Waiting Womb called "It all sucks"--and it very much struck a chord for me, just as your message did. The author's point was that no matter where you are in your infertility journey, the whole experience just plain sucks. Those few paragraphs really answered a lot of my "insecurities" about my place in this community.
In terms of how long we wait, my question is not how long we wait to try again (I am ready now--or as ready as I can be given my anxiety over a possible loss again), but how long before we actually go to the RE. In September, we put our original referral on hold for a few months--and then we got pregnant. So I wonder how long we have to "keep trying" again before we say, enough, we need help.
We asked ourselves that same question - how long before we go to an RE for help? And the answer is different for everyone. It sounds corny, but do what feels right to you, not what your OB/GYN tells you, or your family, or your friends, or anyone else who has IF. It's totally, completely up to you.
Post a Comment