Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Vignettes on sadness

I can't stop thinking about them. I can't stop crying. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I can't get excited about the holiday season. I know that I have so much to be grateful for, yet all I can think about is how unfair life is. And instead of appreciating my blessings even more, I live in fear that they will be taken away from me. I’ve been a bad mother and a bad wife. I am impatient, snappy, mean. I am frustrated, angry and exhausted. My family deserves better, yet I can’t find the strength to do better.

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When my dad died, people told me he was in a better place now. And I believed them. He was no longer in pain. I hoped that he was no longer sad. I hoped that he could now see his grandkids any time he wanted—instead of missing them from half way around the world. I so desperately wanted to believe that to be true. But now I don’t.

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On Thursday morning, I saw her for the last time. She was loading the crib and the high chair in her dad’s truck. Everything else went in the moving truck or in the trash. I spoke to her, asking once again if she needed any help. I wanted to keep it together, but I couldn’t—my eyes teared up and so did hers. We hugged and cried. I was hoping to see her again before she left, but I am sure she didn’t need any more goodbyes. I know I will never see her or hear from her again. She has my contact information, but I don’t have hers. I don’t even know her last name… Even if I did, I wouldn’t try to reach her. I don’t want to be a sad reminder of the life that was. But I do want one thing. I want to know that some day—some day—she will be OK. Because I really want her to be OK. And it makes me so sad to know that I will never know.

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I am afraid this is going to be either a very sad or a very quiet place for a while, and I won’t be offended if no one stops by here for the time being. My heart is bursting with emotions, wanting to get them all out on paper. Yet my brain is starting to crack down on these outbursts, pointing me to my real-life to do list that overflows with holiday cards, Child’s birthday party, house guests, gift shopping, welcoming my new niece, decorating, Christmas parties, and on and on and on. There is no time to deal with your emotions, my brain says, there is so much else to be done. You will deal with them later. I don’t know how much longer I can wait.

8 comments:

bethkyle said...

Your neighbors have been at the back of my mind too. I don't think I will ever understand the way these things work out, and it makes me fear losing my loved ones everyday.

Rachel said...

I can understand not having the time to feel the emotions. I constantly think about losing those I love, it is hard not to worry about it.

Have you read, "The Last Lecture"? It's by Randy Pausch. It is an excellent book about living life to the fullest.

Rachel said...

My last comment came across wrong I think. The book is a true story about a professor who discovered he only had a few months left to live and how he spent that time. It really made me think.

Kate said...

That is so terrible. My heart breaks for her.

Sarah said...

i hope the time with your niece helped but i'm sure you're right, you can't put off dealing with it. it won't go away and it won't wait. maybe you should talk with a counselor? don't think of this as any shortcoming on your part, when there is just too much grief it makes sense that we may need to call in the experts. no one is prepared for everything that's been thrown at you in the last few months. you gotta take care of momma because momma has to take care of everyone else.

Tinker said...

Happy belated birthday to Child! I know it's been a while already as the ticker has been stuck at the end for a few visits now.

I hope you're doing well and busy with holiday preparations.

Kate said...

Thank you for the cookies!! They arrived on Saturday and did not last long at all. :)

Tinker said...

... still thinking of you and checking in regularly. I hope you're well and your boys are growing like crazy.