I had a particularly difficult day yesterday. The lack of sleep was really catching up with me. I have been sleeping for four hours a night and have not had an opportunity to take a nap during the day in more than a week. I was exhausted and cranky. All I wanted to accomplish yesterday was a nap.
But Baby had a different agenda. He decided that the only way he was going to sleep was on the breast. He would fall sound asleep—so asleep that I could not wake him up to continue feeding, no matter how hard I tried. But as soon as I would move him off my lap and into his bassinet, he would wake up and begin wailing—either immediately or within a few minutes. I tried swaddling, rocking, swaying, bouncing, putting him the car seat, putting him in the bouncy chair, putting him in the front carrier. Nothing worked. I spent so much time trying to get him to sleep that eventually it would be time for the next feeding and he would immediately fall asleep nursing. Eventually I dozed off in the glider and woke up with a horrible head and neck ache from my head falling forward when I slept.
“This has been the worst day,” I thought to myself.
Some time later, I turned on the computer and noticed the date. December 4. I felt a pit in my stomach. Exactly a year ago, we found out that we lost the baby that I was carrying, the baby that it took us a year and a half to conceive. A year later, I still feel sick to my stomach when I think of that day. I feel such overwhelming sadness. That was the worst day.
Today, I hold a beautiful boy in my arms. My little miracle. How we ever got so lucky to conceive him on the first regular cycle after that loss, I will never know. But I am so, so grateful for him. And every day with him is a blessing, even if he refuses to sleep or demands to always be held. Every day is a great day when you put it in perspective.
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2 comments:
The sleep deprivation cetainly makes crummy things all the worse, that's for sure. When I was at that same point last week, I told my husband that he had to take one feeding (he doesn't normally do any night duty) and gave him a choice of three, so that I could have the first decent sleep in nearly two months. He knew it meant my sanity and agreed to the 3am shift. I had expected to be awake and planned to pump, but slept through until the 7am feed. It was amazing how my feeling and mood changed that morning!
Interesting too, that my babies were conceived on the first cycle after I miscarried last November.
wow, our days were really similar. but yours was awful in a whole different way, and i'm so sorry. i wish i had known to be in touch with you or something, not that either of us would have had a free moment.
thank god for perspective. i can see how easy it would be to lose your mind a little without it!
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